Bedtime

Night time is the hardest time for me.  It is when I feel the saddest. When the pain slips a cool blade between my ribs and the silence makes me tear up. Bedtime was a very special time for Laura and me. We would slough off the woes of the day and create a little oasis of comfort and joy. We would sing songs (our own silly made up words), tease each other and rehearse all our favorite stories about each other. I really believe our love grew so strong because of this playful time together inventing our own personal mythology.

Kindly people try to console me by saying, “You will always have Laura in your heart.” But instead it feels like I have Laura inside of me now. When I feel sad or I am struggling with something, I talk to Laura and I hear words pop into my head (as if Laura is guiding me). And sometimes a huge burst of love will suddenly suffuse me.  I felt it on the plane coming over and I’ve woken several times with this warm, beautiful feeling. Oh Laura, I just wish you were bodily here to embrace me too. (My computer screen just started frantically flashing as I wrote that. Evidently someone is reading this over my shoulder).

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