It is a curious paradox that as I am becoming emotionally stronger; more resilient, relaxed and happier with each passing month, at the same time my physical stamina has still not caught up. I am beginning to realize that I am profoundly tired. Small things, which I would normally roll over easily, seem to exhaust me quite quickly. It is as if I have no reserves and am running on empty
This past year has required all my fortitude; not just trying to help Laura survive, being with her as she died and then coping afterwards, but also the ongoing job of putting out all the little fires along the way. There have been so many. Here are just a couple; the landlord of nearly 40 years who reassured Laura she was family and would approve her sublet, then tried to evict her the moment we left for the Gerson clinic. The psychiatrist who fired Laura as a patient when she desperately needed his help to come off her anti-depressants. And, being told we needed to do 6 years of Laura’s taxes when she was dying in hospital, and on and on.
Fortunately I’ve come through it all and kept my sanity. In large part because I have this wonderful cocoon of loving friends, family and caring professionals around me (like a special defensive shield). But to rebuild my stamina I think what I need most now is to take a break (incredibly 9 months later, I am still sorting through Laura’s paperwork and possessions). For a short period I need to not look after anyone else’s needs but my own, to travel alone and maybe sit on my favorite vortex in Sedona and try to rebuild my energy so I can live life fully and joyfully again.