Grief stops the clock on a lot of things. And today the clock stopped literally. My Mum’s watch broke. It’s almost exactly a year to the day since she passed. That little silver watch is my most cherished possession (Mum laughed when she saw me wearing it, ‘That old thing.’) She got it when she was 21. The mechanism didn’t stop. The clasp broke and I caught it. Fortunately.
It feels a bit like Mum saying to me, don’t worry about time. Just take a break. Be easy with yourself. Earlier this month I realized I haven’t touched my accounts since she died. Grief creates these odd glitches. After Laura died, I stopped watering my plants (my beloved plants!)
How can we get unstuck and move forward again? The easiest way with grief is to allow it its own trajectory. Be gentle and patient and let the pain have a voice. And don’t feel shame and embarrassment when things go undone – plants neglected, dust bunnies massing under the bed, plans on hold, and on and on. And then, one day, the flow reverses and what couldn’t be borne is now doable (I did all my accounts yesterday).
In her last years Mum said not to mourn her, which is of course asking the impossible. But I’ve felt her cheering me on all year. Sending signs. Today I found a perfect red heart when I cut the top off a beetroot (image below). I feel her constantly nudging me in the direction of my own well being and happiness. And in so many ways I am stronger and happier than ever before. But just not this week. The one year anniversary of her final days on earth. This week my body wants rest and nature. And a little time to mourn again.