Muddled & in Pain

owls

Today I put my bra on inside out, yesterday I left the keys in the front door overnight and a couple of days earlier I was walking down the street unaware that I was crying.  The English have a word for it, muddled.  Nothing seems to be in the right place – least of all me.

I struggle daily knowing I will never see Laura again in this life.  Never hold her in my arms again, share my life with her, share my joy and my pain, or see that wonderful smile.  I miss the sweet energy that thrummed between us, even in the darkest hours of Laura’s illness.

People ask kindly how I am and I am not really sure. Some days my heart squeezes so tightly it seems to be wringing out every drop of my being, the pain of losing Laura is so intense. A couple of days after the memorial I crashed and was in bed for several weeks (a combination of physical and emotional exhaustion).  Now I feel raw and fragile like a tiny chick; ungainly and not yet familiar with my new surrounds.  The jigsaw of my life seems to be missing so many pieces.  I know that eventually it will take on a new pattern and wholeness, but just not yet.

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2 thoughts on “Muddled & in Pain

  1. you and laura were real champions throughout her struggle. it makes sense that you will collapse for a while now all that has ended. but some aspects of your time together will never be over. gradually they will return to you; moments of shared sweetness, silliness, sorrow. all good stuff made richer through sharing. we need time so we can find each other along this continuum, but a moment is never really over. in this way we will always have each other. you and laura, and you and all of us. i am glad to see you are writing again. xOc

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