No Return

water

I shock myself. I used to imagine, ‘What if I could rewind the clock to before Laura got ill?’ Imaging how our lives would pan out if she had lived. But last week I realized I don’t want to go back. Don’t get me wrong, I would have Laura back in a heart beat. It is me, the ‘old me’ that I don’t want back. There was nothing wrong with ‘old me’, it’s simply I don’t want to give up all that I’ve learned over the last 2 years. The world is so much larger, more magnificent and extraordinary than I ever imagined.

For I’ve learned that our tiny world is just a glittering fragment floating in time, surrounded by a vast spiritual continuum. And death and dying, (subjects I knew nothing about before), now seem to me as elegantly simple and magical as water morphing into steam.

Seeing close up the fragility of life has made me more present in my own life.  I relish being ‘incarnate’; being able to jump, climb, dance, fly, float and run. I’ve had an amazing summer stay-cation going to the roller disco, hang gliding, climbing trees, drumming, going to outdoor concerts, making organic fruit popsicles and relishing my powers of smell, taste, touch, sound, sight and intuition. I also appreciate friends, loved ones and happy encounters with strangers more. But oddly I have a looser grip on most everything. Perhaps because I am more aware of how we can’t hold anything forever. In the last 3 years I’ve thrown out two house loads of possessions (Laura’s and my parents when they moved after my mum’s stroke). I’ve lost Laura, several relatives and 3 dear friends.

I’ve learned about the power of asking, about the incredible strength and heroism we all have inside.  I have also learned that there are no gurus in this life, only other ‘ordinary’ people with extraordinary stories of love, death and survival and that in the sharing of these stories, we can recognize ourselves and feel less alone.

And finally I’ve come to understand that our mission here is as spiritual explorers, to seek out new experiences and expand our spiritual powers (our compassion, our love, our understanding). And by adding just one drop more of kindness or love into our hearts (love for ourselves as much as love for others), we raise the vibration of our own being and by extension the lives of everyone on this planet and the web of spirit beyond.

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10 thoughts on “No Return

  1. What a beautiful gift Laura has been in your life. I can’t help but wonder if your and Laura’s spirits conspired to have this scenario play out during this incarnation to allow you to grow.

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    1. I just found an email I wrote to my sister, 2 weeks after Laura was diagnosed with mucosal melanoma. I had written, ‘I feel as if I have been preparing all my life for this moment.’ I thought then, I had been preparing all my life to look after Laura and help her recover. But I suspect Laura and I must have had a soul pact to take this journey together. It refined us both to our essence. In her last months and weeks, we got to experience unconditional love for one another. It was incredibly beautiful as well as unspeakably tragic.

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  2. Your words are powerful and all the more so because they so eloquently describe the way you embrace life. Beautifully stated and beautifully lived. Thank you for giving us a window into your heart and experience.

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