10 Years

lucie+laura
Lucie & Laura

These past 10 years have been the hardest of my life. Almost exactly a year ago, Laura’s CT scan came back with pages and pages of new cancer tumors. They poured out of the fax machine in what seemed to be a never ending stream, detailing tumors in her bones, and every organ except her heart and brain, ending all hope that she would survive and we would live happily ever after. And 10 years ago this month, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, the only disease other than AIDS that makes you uninsurable for long term care, because it is so unpredictable and merciless.

On vacation reading Liane Moriarty’s clever novel What Alice Forgot, about a woman who loses 10 years of her memory and then with the eyes of her younger self looks in horror at her present life, I wondered how I would judge these years if I could go back a decade? From the outside it appears to be one catastrophe after another. I’ve lost so much and suffered greatly.  But wrapped up in this decade were also the most meaningful and beautiful years of my life. I met my soul mate, miraculously regained my health, the door opened wide to a whole new spiritual world and now, oddly, I feel like I am becoming who I am meant to be.

Before Laura got sick, I would daydream: “What if we had met when we were teenagers? We could have had 30 more years together.”  I was greedy for more Laura. But Laura just laughed and said we wouldn’t have been ready for each other.  ‘I wasn’t ready for this kind of happiness earlier,’ she said. We both weren’t.

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5 thoughts on “10 Years

  1. Very profound and true reflections, Lucie. I think it is true for most people that they wouldn’t have been ready (or mature) for the kind of happiness, gratitude, appreciation, etc. they experience now earlier in their lives. It takes a journey and the special experiences we go through in life to become who we are at this present moment.

    And yes, I can understand how you must have felt about your diagnosis of MS. It is normal for everybody to fear to become a long term care patient. It is human nature to have the need to stay independent. When someone had an accident and became disabled or suffered from a life-altering disease, these fears are more predominant and “realistic”. But then, ANYONE of us can get into such a situation with the blink of an eye. There is no garantee for health for anybody on this planet. And nobody knows what will happen tomorrow. Perhaps this is good thing in the plan of the Universe.

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  2. Hello, Lucie! So much love emanating from your writing especially when you talk about Laura. I did not have a pleasure to meet her, but when I read, I sometimes feel as if she is there with you. You guys are so fortunate to find each other and spend time together. I still remember the first time I read your blog on passing Laura. I was crying as I read it, and I did not even know it, I don’t think that I cried because the beautiful love story ended, but I cried without knowing because the love between you two was/is so real and precious. We met in Sedona, even then, I think I felt there was some energy around you. There are many changes ahead of us. Sometimes it is exciting and sometimes it is scary, but Let’s promise each other that we will be brave enough to face whatever there is before us.

    Love you

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    1. It felt like a spiritual hand put us together at the foot of airport mesa, so we could take that walk together and share our soul journeys. I so enjoyed your gentle company, your insights and reflections. And sometimes just the silent companionship as we hiked. Thank you for being there. Love Lucie

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