Celebrate

audrey-hepburn

I am celebrating a pinnacle in a journey that began long before I met Laura. Eleven years ago my life was very different. I had to wash my hair almost every night to stop myself from tearing at my scalp. It would burn so badly that even when staying with family or friends, I often got up in the middle of the night to wash my head to soothe it.  I would also tear at my legs causing unsightly cuts. I  could never go anywhere without a liter and a half of water; I was always thirsty, always drinking water.  And if I didn’t have water, I would feel faint.  And then there was the fatigue that rose up like a demon and felled me for days, weeks and sometimes months at a time; a fatigue that felt like a building had flattened me and I couldn’t get up.  And perhaps worst of all were the pains that racked my hands, feet and spine and which felt as if  someone was threading needles or pieces of glass through my veins.  I shiver to think about it all now, but fortunately it is very far away from how I feel today.

It has been ten years since I did an unorthodox Multiple Sclerosis treatment (described in my post Multiple Sclerosis – A Recovery Story). And after a decade of detox my health is fine, better than fine.  I feel great. And this year, for the first time in a very, very long time I can eat and drink whatever I like. I had my first coffee in 20 years.  I could have written a poem about it and all the swurling roasted earth flavors. And I had my first glass of red wine in 13 years. And there have been cakes and ice creams and all manner of treats which I couldn’t have eaten before. It has felt like a celebration.  And also a revelation.  While I’ve loved the tastes of almost everything.  I’ve realized with extraordinary clarity how these foods make me feel.

After a week of sipping delicious red wines, I realized that alcohol blocks my connection to Laura, my higher self and what I call ‘the divine’.  My head feels flat, dull, unreceptive,  as if all the channels to what lies ‘beyond’ are blocked. It was too high a price to pay, so I’ve stopped. And coffee…oh coffee, it began reeling me in like a siren after the first cup,  boosting me up and dropping me down.  Last spring I spent 6 weeks going from coffee shop to coffee shop nursing my craving.  But I didn’t like who I was on coffee.  I felt moody and irritable.  Like my twenty-something self when I couldn’t have a thought without a sip of coffee and a cigarette.  I realize now that over years of trial and error I have found the foods  (the paleo diet mostly) and drinks (fresh juices, himalayan green tea) that bolster me up.  But now it is nice to know it is my choice and not my only choice.

 

 

 

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