Packing for my UK trip, I was thinking how nice it would be to have a piece of Laura’s jewelry to wear, a love token and reminder of my soul mate. As I don’t have anything else at the moment, I parade about in Laura’s old socks, a couple of her scarves and a belt….
Category: loss
Lucie’s Recovery
Friends have joked this site should be renamed Lucie’s recovery. But I still think of this blog as being about Laura and I and our love. Of course, Laura has gone and I am now the one recovering. Most weeks for me are like quicksand. Sometimes I am fine and sometimes the pain sucks me…
Laura’s Memorial
Laura’s memorial service (on 5 February 2014) was a beautiful evening filled with love and sharing, everyone gave of their best. I only wish everyone who loved Laura could have been there, but sadly space was limited. So join us now and share in the love. Many thanks to Fatima for taking the video (apologies…
Dancing with Laura
Sometimes at night, I cradle Laura’s ashes or put on our favorite music and dance holding ‘Laura’ in my arms. Her ashes live in a pretty handmade paper box that will biodegrade one day soon when I slip it into the ocean so Laura can swim again with her beloved sharks, turtles and manta rays. Before…
Perchance to Dream Sweetly
The last 2 nights my dreams have been less frantic and I’ve slept more peacefully. Perhaps by hearing the pain and allowing it into my life, like a frightened child, instead of stuffing it away from embarrassment or irritation, it has started to release. And perhaps by giving it a voice it can eventually be set…
Post Traumatic Stress
Every night I wake up multiple times out of nightmares in which I am frantically running around performing multiple tasks to hold at bay some faceless enemy. I never win or lose, I just battle on and on until I wake up. The nightmares started when Laura was in hospital. I kept thinking that as…
A poem from the Memorial
Death is Nothing at all Death is nothing at all.I have only slipped away to the next room.I am I and you are you.Whatever we were to each other, That, we still are. Call me by my old familiar name.Speak to me in the easy waywhich you always used.Put no difference into your tone.Wear no forced…
Muddled & in Pain
Today I put my bra on inside out, yesterday I left the keys in the front door overnight and a couple of days earlier I was walking down the street unaware that I was crying. The English have a word for it, muddled. Nothing seems to be in the right place – least of all…
Laura’s passing
The love of my life has gone. Her suffering has ended, but the hole she leaves in my life is so vast and I am so exhausted and in pain that I have been unable to write or be in touch these past few days. People have called and emailed and posted here the…
2.50am
Laura has gone.
Illuminated
As Laura lies gently breathing, I see occasional sparks of light like fireflies glowing around her head. Earlier this evening I saw an intense green white aura surrounding her face. It could be sitting too long in the semi-darkness with all the strange electrical paraphernalia of the hospital. But the night before we came to…
Vigil
Laura has not woken up since this morning. She is heavily sedated now and breathing lightly. Her brother Barry, her former partner Kerry and I are here with her this evening. An hour ago, the very reverend Rebecca, who married us popped in to do a blessing. Laura is surrounded by love both present and…
I’m dying..
This morning Laura grasped my hand and said ‘I’m dying’. The doctors have come to the same conclusion. Her liver is failing and she is now very frail. She no longer eats and just occasionally will allow me to feed her small sips of juice. She can no longer focus her eyes to see…
Sips of Sweetness
New Year’s eve was a hard day, Laura was more delirious, agitated, confused and weaker than before. But sometimes like a jack in the box she lights up, pops up and can hold a conversation. The evening was full of those moments. At 7pm the nurse brought in a little bottle of fizzy apple cider…
Soul Love Forever 